I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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