I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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