So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dear god my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize