Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
