apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
