Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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