I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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