Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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