I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize