OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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