I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize