Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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