I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize