I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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