1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
