Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
