It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
