Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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