I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
