whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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