Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
