I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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