There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
