Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
