Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish you could order shots online.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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