I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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