why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
