I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize