my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
