I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
