Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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