Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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