my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
