also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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