Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
