I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
God I need to hump something, right now.
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