i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
