Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
