I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
