I heard we made out
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
