and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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