Church boner. Awkwardddd
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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