I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
