I puked a lego.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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