i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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