I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
