Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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