I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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