Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
