I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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