just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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