My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
