I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
