Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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