I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
