If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
