I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I bet he comes in French.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
