Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
