We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
